august 06 :: menu

dj p-modern :: the voice they tried to silence*

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*Disclaimer: the views expressed by dj p-modern are not necessarily the views of research and development.

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scene watch :: quotes

After my set the only thing I could think of was “Wow that was awesome”
Melbourne DJ Veeva, Zebra 9/8/06

That night I saw the Galang video and got my mojo back and I wrote a song called Let my Hair Down, and for the beat I channelled my inner-50 cent – it was completely freestyle!
Nelly Furtado, Inpress 12/07/06

Throughout the ‘90s, Schmidt developed musical personae pseudonyms; Geez’n’Gosh for wonky click-house, The Roger Tubesound Ensemble for midi-fauxjazz, Midisport for Latin leaning clubtronic IDM and, memorably, Senor Coconut.
Peter Chambers. Inpress 12/07/06

Stephen Allkins certainly needs no introduction…
(predictably, the article goes on to introduce him)
Inpress 12/07/06

Johns DJ mantra is juxtaposition…
Beat 12/07/06
(Okay, if anyone sees any street press journalist use “juxtaposition” in an idiotic sense such as this, please send it in –, published entries will be sent a free dj p-modern mix cd!)

Imagine you’ve died (and gone to heaven obviously). What’s your dream venue and line-up for the perfect party?
Emma brown isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions of DJ Ritchie Jay. Zebra 2/07/06

Anytime you perform for a gay audience they just go off, I don’t know whether it’s drugs or just because they’re really happy all the time.
Bardot’s Tiffani Wood hits the right note. Zebra 2/07/06

scene watch :: with dj p-modern

DJ P-Modern Interview.

DJ name and why?
Dunno, just sort of sounded funny, and I like the pun.

When and where was your first gig?
Just at a mates 18th. I was pretty nervous, but everyone had fun I think.

Most played tune in your crate?
I slept with my aunty on Christmas day and she’s pregnant and she’s gonna keep the baby.

Favourite all time gig?
I’m serious, my uncle’s gonna crack it.

Greatest influences?
Jesus, what have I done? It’s been building up inside me – I had to tell someone.

Ultimate gig?
I told her “no – it’s not right” – but she wouldn’t listen, she was wasted. Oh, Christ – it must be due soon.

Tips for aspiring DJs?
Yeah, don’t give your aunty pills on Christmas day.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
Give me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a fuck
So here we go!

[Chorus (x2)]

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want to go down
Like London London be going down

Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking at you

The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose
Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm gonna get up out my face (oh, shit)
Before I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you want to have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass

[Chorus x2]

Fergie, London Bridge, 2006.

Oh dear. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!”, “The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose… my lips make you wanna have a taste”?, “Give me love you long time”? What has Fergie done now? Why would some one who has obviously enjoyed so much success really need to do this? Is it the money? Is it just attention grabbing? I really beggars belief that a top flight manager would stoop to such lows. After managing Manchester United for seventeen years, enjoying success both at home and abroad in Europe – including the great treble win of 1998-99 - Alex Ferguson has shocked the football and entertainment worlds. “I never even knew he could sing”, says Man Utd striker Wayne Rooney, “let alone dance like that”.

Just before I go, has anyone else seen those ads in the street press advertising local DJs Luke McD and Special K? Featuring the times and addresses of their gigs over the weekend and booking and contact details, it’s gotta be the most ego-centric self centred laugh I’ve seen in a while. P-modern supports anything local, but these guys take the cake and eat it too.

scene watch :: love corner

Looking for love? Well DJ P-Moderns new “Love Corner” is an introduction service that r-n-d have reluctantly agreed to host. Whether it’s a long lasting, serious relationship you’re looking for, or just true love – you’ll find it in the Love Corner.

Stunning 21 y/o model, brunette, as-seen on cover of Italian Vogue, seeks good times, no strings attached, with dodgy drug dealer living with his parents. Enjoys being rodgered silly whilst snorting below-B-grade amphetamines, also enjoys being generally objectified by all your dodgy friends. Lengthy criminal record a plus! PCX 10839

Well educated Mossad agent seeks long term relationship with Hezbollah figure head, must be into kinky, handcuffs etc. PCX 10859

Lonely! Techno DJ seeks any type of relationship with anyone, living or dead. No fuss. PCX RAVE197

Swinger? Fat opposition leader seeks swinging voter for respect and sense of purpose and worth. Short term memory pref. PCX PHAT10829

Thugs get lonely too. Black African guy, in Tokyo, seeks nice Japanese girl who also likes the thug life. Must be a fan of gangster rap.
(this last one was spotted in Metropolis, an English speaking street mag in Tokyo. Email the Thug and send me the results!

Looking for love? Email the doctor.

scene watch :: poetry corner

This months poetry corner is hosted by prominent Melbourne criminal underworld figure Tony Mokbel.

"This next poem, while bearing all the hallmarks of a deconstructuralist critique of the oedipal yearning, is actually really fucking good." Tony.

I wandered once,
Once I wandered,
Where I wandered once,
Was where I once had wandered,
Though where wandering was once,
Was now where once had been wandered,
I hate my mother.

(Are you a celebrity currently wanted by the law? Or just an aspiring poet? Send entries in to and be published!)