For more Scene Watch with DJ P-Modern check these:
“I realise that apparently your guy is facing some serious problems.
Paul Van Dyke commenting on John Howard is about as relevant as asking our esteemed former PM for his thoughts on the rise of Serato software and its influence on modern DJing. Is Paul Van Dyke the new Bono? Is Bono the old Paul Van Dyke? So many questions, so little interest.
With PM-elect Kevin Rudd.
I love working families,
Though tough on Workchoices,
Dear DJPM, when are you going to finish Scene Watch? The deadline was last week and everything else is ready to go. And it better be fucking funny, not like the last issue.
Dear R-n-d, can’t we work together? We used to be friends. Remember our chats?
Dear DJPM, in response to your assertion last issue that indie chicks are hotter than club chicks: firstly I resent the premise, secondly I disagree with the findings. You are a classic chauvinist. Besides, have you seen the photos of the chicks at One Love?
Dear Ms Greer, I refer you to the photos below.
Dear DJPM, got anymore photos of Miao Miao?
Dear Greg, I’m sorry, but we don’t. However, I do have a photo of Svetlana Ganina -ranked 46 in the world (Miao Miao is ranked 133). Those Ukraine girls really knock me out, they leave the rest behind… (OK, she’s actually from Russia). I also have another photo of a famous Table Tennis player. Enjoy.
Dear DJPM, thankyou for your application for the position of Manager of the English Football Team. However, due to the vast experience some of the other applicants appear to have, we’re afraid that “Beating Steve 3-2 on Playstation” doesn’t quite cut it. Regards, Brian Barwick, F.A. Chief.
In the movie 50 First Dates, Drew Barrymore play’s a character
stencils suck but this is kinda funny... found canterbury rd, melburn
Sneakers, you know ‘em, wear ‘em, maybe you even sniff ‘em. But rapper and certified sneaker freak K-Swoosh does a whole lot more than that. Scene Watch investigative journalist Scarcer Blasphemer discovers what it’s like living in the closet with only three hundred pairs of sneakers to keep you company.
SB: It’s been said that the two reasons people lust after sneakers is either because a), they had them as kids, or b), because they never had them as kids. Is that true in your case?
KS: First things first, I’m a collector – I wanna make that clear, okay? What I do is no different and no less significant than any other collecting. Like paintings or sculpture. People who say it’s just about shoes, they don’t have a fuckin’ clue, man.
SB: So you see no distinction between a collection of art and all those sneakers you never wear?
KS: Why the hell would I wear shoes that are part of my collection? That’s just stupid. Once they’ve been worn they’re gonna lose their value, you know? If I collected paintings, I wouldn’t wear them, would I? What a stupid question. Only somebody who doesn’t have a clue about sneakers would ask a wack question like that.
SB: But for most people shoes are something they buy to wear, not look at.
KS: Yeah, but I’m not most people, I’m not the average Joe. For me, shoes are art. I mean, of course I have pairs that I wear, but they’re not key pairs in my collection.
SB: So sneakers, they’re ‘art’ to you?
KS: Yeah, well, what is ‘art’ – hah! What about that shit with adults scribbling all over something like kids? Is that art? ‘Cos to me that’s bullshit. At least sneakers are beautiful to look at, to… touch…
SB: It’s faux-naïve.
SB: The scribbling you mentioned.
KS: Yeah I’ll say, it’s fucked.
SB: Well… are sneakers art?
KS: They are to me.
SB: Even though they’re mass-produced consumer products made in third-world sweatshops by political prisoners and girls as young as ten – are they the artists? Why not invite them to your events? Champagne, first-class tickets…
KS: That’s – none of that shit is true, man. That’s all lies. That sweatshop shit is all lies made up by people who hate sneaker freaks.
SB: Why would somebody make up something like that?
KS: ‘Cos we’ve got something that adds up to something, you know. That amounts to something. We’ve done something with our lives. All those people who are against it, you know, what have they got to show for it?
SB: So there is a purpose in having all these shoes – I mean, beyond ‘just having them’. Is that why you collect sneakers?
KS: I dunno, some people collect paintings, like I said.
SB: Do you feel better than other friends of yours who have fewer pairs of sneakers than you?
KS: I don’t give a fuck about other people. People can do what they want. I’m just doing what I want to do, you know?
SB: What about B-Boy Blackburn? I heard he’s got over seven hundred pairs – does that make you feel jealous?
KS: Seven hundred pairs of shit. His collection is fuckin’ worthless – half of his shoes are worn. His collection stinks, it literally stinks. All those skanks who buy used off ebay and shit can kiss my boots. All of mine are fresh – I haven’t even popped the tag off most of ‘em. I mean, anyone can just go to op shops and pick out some kind of skanky old shoes some grandpa wore to squash in ’83, but my collection, my collection took time, and the shit was expensive. And it’s fresh. Represent y’all.
SB: How many pairs do you have in your collection?
KS: Three hundred and twenty-seven, and counting. I exclude all my wearing pairs, which I’ve got about fifty of. They’re just ones I wear. Collection shoes I don’t wear.
SB: Where do you keep them all?
KS: Most of them are housed in storage.
SB: Where are they stored?
KS: At one of my relative’s houses.
SB: At your mother’s house in Glen Iris?
KS: It’s… it’s such a massive collection, I had to have somewhere to keep ‘em all, where I could keep ‘em all in, you know, a cool, dry place…. Dude, I can’t be saying this in an interview, you know. Someone might come and rack ‘em all.
SB: B-Boy Blackburn said that it’s in a big closet at your mother’s house in Glen Iris.
KS: Yeah, well, I’ve just been round to his mum’s house.
SB: Is it at your mum’s house?
KS: YOUR mum’s house!
SB: So is she the one who’s responsible for looking after all your shoes? Does she keep them tidied for you?
KS: You’re joking, right? I’d never trust mum to do all that. I keep them all in order.
SB: So it is at your mum’s house.
KS: YOUR mum’s house! Ha ha!
SB: Okay… Freud once described fetishism as ‘the denial of a feared absence through its replacement with a substitute presence’. But he says that the replacement announces the absence it means to cover up, which provokes anxiety… is this true of your collection? Do you think sneakers are a fetish for you? Is there a ‘feared absence’ in your world?
KS: Well, I don’t know what the fuck that means… Freud?! Isn’t he that guy who fucked his mum and killed his dad?
SB: That was Oedipus.
KS: I like to eat a puss… bitches.
SB: I guess the question I was asking…
KS: …Yo, these questions are wack, dude.
SB:… (ahem)… was, do you have a sneaker fetish? Are you compensating for something, something that might be… lacking?
KS: Dude, I don't know what the fuck you’re talking about. I got it goin’ on.
SB: Well, I’m just asking, I mean, are you worried about anything? It seems to me like such a massive, fetishised display suggests you’re hiding something – hence the need to overcompensate.
KS: Yeah, like what…?
SB: Well, I dunno, maybe you’re anxious about the size of your penis and you’re worried because you can’t really relate to women, outside of pornography.
KS: What the fuck?! Man, I fuck loads of bitches.
SB: B-Boy Blackburn tells me categorically that you’re a virgin -– could that be why you’re obsessed with ‘pure’ shoes that haven’t been sullied by being worn?
KS: Yo, what the fuck would Blackburn know?! I’ve been fucking his mum for fucking years.
SB: So is B-Boy Blackburn’s mother your girlfriend?
KS: She’s not my fuckin’ girlfriend man, she’s just a hairy old bitch, ha ha ha.
SB: Do you have a girlfriend?
KS: Dude, why would I have a girlfriend? I get so much pussy, if I had a girlfriend it’d just cramp my style and shit.
SB: Where do you meet most of these people? At the call centre where you work?
KS: No… no… No I don’t. They’re – dude, I’m a rapper, you know? I meet ‘em at my gigs n’ shit.
SB: Are you saying ‘no I don’t’ as in ‘I don't work in a call centre’ or ‘no I don’t’ as in ‘I don’t meet ‘bitches’ at the call centre’?
KS: Look, dude, even if I did meet any bitches at the call centre.
SB: So you do work in a call centre…
KS:…even if I did…
SB: Do you work in a call centre? Answer the question please.
KS: No, ‘cos the bitches are all too fat.
SB: …so you quit because your co-workers were morbidly obese?
KS: Nah but, fuck fucking a fucking fat bitch, man.
SB: Would a woman be more attractive to you if she collected sneakers?
KS: Man, bitches don’t collect sneakers, dude – name one who does?
SB: Well, um… Missy Elliot?
KS: R&B?! R&B?! Who gives a fuck about that jiggy shit?
SB: Okay… we’re nearly out of time, but just one last question. Do you ever feel that collecting sneakers is somehow, I dunno, just an asinine, vacuous, consumerist farce?
KS: Yo dude, I’m sick of this shit. You’re just another one of them fuckin’ dickheads who thinks they’re better than everyone and I just want to say, you know, kiss my arse. Straight up, collecting sneakers is a fuckin’ artform. I’m a fuckin’ artist and if dicks like you or whatever, you just don’t get it, well then, fuck you, kiss my arse. When you’re forty years old and over the hill and have got nothin’ to show for it, I’ll be loungin’ with my friends, my Jordans, my Air Force and all that shit, still all plush and new and shit, and I’ll say to you, ‘fuck you.’ You’re all just fucking jealous. You can kiss my arse.
SB: K-Swoosh, thanks for your time.
KS: Yeah, thank your mum for her’s, too. Fuck you.
Sacred Blasphemer for Scene Watch.
There's nothing more humiliating than getting knocked back from a nightclub. If you're too drunk - fair enough, but shallow door policy is pretentious rot. So, read carefully and DJ P-Modern will show you not only how to gain entry to your favourite nightspot, but how to do it in style.
Here's what you do: first you'll need a record case. Call up your DJ buddy, we've all got one. You know, the bloke who bought a pair of turntables after he saw Boogs play at the Lounge, then bought about ten records, a bag of pills and lost interest once he realised you gotta be really, really into music - even when you're not high. Chances are he won't be needing his record case any time soon. Remove his ten records from the bag, carefully place them on the floor and urinate on them (this is optional). In the empty bag, place a bottle of vodka, two glasses, a torch, powdered laxitives, condoms, a DJ P-Modern mix CD, and another bottle of vodka. Don't dress up too much: wear runners (adidas if possible) and a baseball cap, and approach the door with your bag. Make sure you walk like you own the place, as this is what most DJs think, and if you look anything less than quietly self-absorbed, the bouncers will get suspicious. Look the smaller of the two bouncers in the eye and nod your head. You're in. Once inside, head to the DJ booth, politely introduce yourself, open your bag and pour yourself a healthy dose of vodka. Remove the powdered laxatives from the case, and sprinkle generously under the turntables. Take your torch and shine it around the floor as if you're looking for something, in doing so, make sure to illuminate the laxatives. It'll take the DJ about 4 seconds to register that there's white powder under the decks, have a rolled-up note ready for him. Laxatives take about 20 minutes to really kick in, so take your time, pour yourself another vodka and relax. Once the booth is hastily vacated, you've got the room to yourself. Put the DJ P-Modern mix CD in the CD player, adjust the volume, and press play. Within twenty minutes, you'll have the crowd in the palm of your hand. This is when the condoms will come in handy.
Christmas is a time for giving, a time to reflect on those less fortunate and a time for rejoicing.
Due to concerns over an ageing population, New Years Eve is to be cancelled this year as 2008 is postponed indefinitely.
Constitutional changes are to be made to better accommodate the hip hop community. “Bills” passed in parliament to be renamed “Dolla’ Dolla’ Bills y’all”.
Walkey award-winner Scene Watch has been voted most clever web page since 1914 and most reliable source of information for anyone, ever.
A Police spelling error has led to the unfair harassment of one of Australia’s leading DJs. What was meant to be “Random Drug Testing” was misspelt “Ransom Drug Testing” on a Police shift report. “Every fucking weekend!” lamented DJ Ransom whilst blowing furiously into a breathalyser as he seamlessly mixed eight records at once.
Clubland’s hearts are all-a-flutter over a fairytale romance sparked at Circus nightclub last week. Brent Muller of Port Melbourne was at the club
His efforts have really caught the attention of the locals. “I really hope he finds her” says Vicky Verocious at Viper Room “It’s so romantic!”, “Yeah, good luck to him” weighs in Matt Methanical at 161, “I mean, I’d fuck her. Can youse can pills?”
As Brent’s efforts are capturing the imagination of Melbourne’s club scene, many other posters and adverts have popped up as clubbers all over the city adopt the same technique. Here are some examples:
To the guy with the tattoo who works the bar at Blue Bar Wednesday nights - you're hot, I'd love to sit on your face sometime.
To the bouncer at Viper Room, Saturday nights, with the earing. I'd love to bash you senseless.
To the wasted blonde girl with red shoes and a silver boob-tube, fucking that guy in the toilets of the Metro last Thursday. Fuck you, it's over - I've thrown all your shit in the front yard, I can't believe you did this to me I'm completely fucking devastated. And I'm currently tuning all your friends.
To the DJ at the Laundry last Friday, I was the drunk girl requesting Beyonce and you never played it, despite assuring me that you would. Listen to me and listen to me carefully: I am going to fuck your fucking life up you arrogant wanker. First of all, if you ever play the Laundry again - you're getting glassed. If I ever see you DJing, and I go out a fair bit, you're getting glassed. I have your photo and so do my friends - if they ever see you DJing ANYWHERE - you're getting glassed. So the next time you fob-off some drunk chick for asking for a pop record because you're some "struggling artist" that can't be disturbed, delusional enough to think you're taking the crowd "on a journey", remember this and remember me. Sleep with one eye open you fuck.
To the gorgeous guy at Alia, we met briefly last Friday, I think you tried to spike my drink but were so wasted you accidentally spiked yours. At least it was a nice gesture, did you get the vomit stains out of your shirt? Same time next week?
Well, the Australian Federal election of 2007 draws to a close. While there are a few House of Representatives seats hanging in the balance and a close fought Victorian Federal Senate seat still being contested, the shape of the new Parliament is clear. As the political landscape in Australia changes for the major parties, its shifting for the minors as well. After its shock New South Wales Federal Senate seat win in 2004 the ADJP (Australian DJ Party) has failed to win a seat in this parliament.
Unsuccessful Victorian Federal Senate candidate for the ADJP, Grant Smilie, managed to remain upbeat about the outcome. "We are of course disappointed with the swing away from us nationally, although there was a small swing our favour in Victoria. While it undoubtedly contributed in New South Wales, I wouldn't overplay Pee Wee's effect on our popularity nationally." Pee Wee Ferris of course being the only ADJP Senator in last federal parliament. He became well known for being an ineffective parliamentarian after Canberra's liberal drug and pornography laws played havoc with his private life. Ferris has retired from politics to spend more time with his 15 year old raver girl friend, Tash.
"Sure, we didn't manage to win a Senate seat this time around, but we're happy with the swing to us state wide. The ADJP has reoriented itself significantly in the lead up to this election and it will take time for the voters to be comfortable with that." said Grant, referring here to the much publicised split of the ADJP from their previous allies in the Greens. This came about in 2005 when the ADJP was unable to countenance their harm minimisation approach to Trance and Psy-Trance. "Its a shame, we share much of our natural support base with the Greens but we were unable to compromise any longer. It was fine during the nineties, but the Greens need to take a firm stance against the use of this type of music if they want to be relevant to working families."
Labor were also a disappointment for the ADJP "sure, they've progressed, its not all marxist union singalongs and top 40 anymore, there's been a growth in both jazz and world music in the ALP ranks as they broaden out into the suburban middle class and immigrant communities but until Labor is prepared to take this issue seriously we'll be wary of their direction. Peter Garret for god's sake? Unbelievable..."
Although there was shock in both the political and musical worlds when announced, Grant maintains that preferencing the Liberals was a natural and sensible step "its a good fit. The Liberals agreed to the removal of GST from vinyl and associated products, turntables, cartridges and so on, furthermore they were prepared to seriously discuss making 'looking for DJ gigs' a valid job hunting activity for Centerlink." However, it was an invitation to play a Young Liberals function that sealed the deal for Grant "If you've never attended one of these parties you've missed out.. big style. Banging party tunes, hot birds, nice venue, free bar and anything else your heart desires." said Grant with a wink. "I felt instantly at home."
So, with the Liberals removed from power and a swing against the ADJP, where does it leave the party? "There is still a need in Australian politics for the ADJP. We are true believers in the changes we advocate." said Grant, speaking about the most controversial plank of the ADJP's platform, their bold plans for constitutional amendment. "The sound system in the federal parliament needs urgent upgrade. I think that, in 2007, the Australian people demand more than simply one speaker in the House and one speaker in the senate. Obviously a move to a full rig will take some time, but I think we should, at the very least, transition away from mono as a matter of national priority." The ADJP is also pushing for a roll out of a national three phase power network. "It would take Australia to the next level in sound system terms. The ADJP wants to see Australia move up significantly in its OECD sound system wattage per capita ranking."
Final figures for the election are expected in the coming weeks.
DJ Smoke-Bones, Australia’s leading electro DJ.
When and where was your first gig? He’s not home, he didn’t come home last night.
What was the first record you bought? I’m telling you I don’t know where he is. He was supposed to come home for dinner last night, but he never did. I had to throw his dinner out.
Favourite all time record? What a senseless waste of chicken nuggets.
Favourite DJs and influences? He used to be a good boy, y’know, very bright. Then came the drugs, and the techno music. He’s just not the same.
What’s the worst request you’ve ever got? What happened to my boy? It’s that girlfriend of his, that’s the problem. Never liked her, not one bit.
Favourite all time gig? I swear my purse was $20 lighter once after she’d been around. She’s into that music too y’know, and the drugs. I’m sure of it. Coming home at all hours, wide-eyed, clenched jaw and all that. Now I don’t mid the drinking, but there’s more going on, I wasn’t born yesterday y’know.
Where are you playing at the moment? Then the two of them are up all day screwing, I can hear them, and my husband Jim, he can hear them too and he’s half deaf. He doesn’t mind though, reminds him of our early moonlighting, he says. Ah, he was such a sweetheart Jim, a real gentleman. He didn’t need these drugs either. All night he’d go, and then again in the morning.
Tips for aspiring DJs? Oh the memories! Jim could really stick it in me y’know, really stick it in. Didn’t mind experimenting either y’know. All sorts of stuff we did. Oh, I remember my first time with a (enough! – Ed)
Today the OECD released its annual compendium of international sound system provision covering both OECD and non OECD countries. The report ranks countries based on accessible sound wattage per capita and provides a basis for policy debate in developed and developing nations. As in all the years of its publication, it contains a mix of the familiar with some surprises.
Jamaica maintains its lead position, as it has every year since the electromechanical moving coil speaker was invented by Oliver Lodge in 1898.
More unusual is North Korea's move up the
The nordic nations have yet again made it into the top 10, as they do every year, on every OECD report.
Following the nordics is Tuvalu. This is their first appearance on this particular OECD report. It appears that the purchase of a domestic stereo system for the office of the Prime Minister Apisai Ielemia has propelled the tiny island state into a very solid position in the rankings.
The UK has made it into the top 10 for the first time since 1988, the Second Summer of Love and birth of the rave culture, when the large number of mobile sound systems from Europe operating in the UK were included in the count. James Palumbo, spokesman for the UK Ministry of Sound is "frankly delighted" by the UK's ranking this year, describing the outcome as "good for Britain, good for Europe and great for my political future!"
The presence of occupying forces from the "Coalition of the Willing" has moved Iraq into the top 10 for the first time. Colonel Steven Boylan, US Army spokesman on Iraq, said "The US military deploys with a massive internal sound projection capability. We want our brave men and women in uniform to be able to ROCK OUT in their down time, no matter where they are in the world. An interesting fact is that if the US military were considered a nation we would surpass even Jamaica on a wattage per capita basis. Ain't that something?"
The military deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan and the relocation of their systems combined with wholesale destruction of New Orleans, one of the densest collection of sound systems in the US, have caused the US to slip from 2nd to 10th on the list.
Australia has lost ground slightly on this report, moving from 42nd to 47th. Julia Gillard, who along with Deputy Leadership, Industrial Relations, Education, Employment, Social Inclusion, Economic Mobility, Administrative Reform and Elocution has been assigned the Sound System portfolio, challenged the underlying assumptions of the report. "The fact is that had car stereo systems been included in the calculations, Australia would have been placed much higher on the list, possibly even into the top 10. Australia's warm weather means that many of these car and ute placed systems are operated with the vehicle's windows down. This government feels that this is 'public broadcast' as defined in the OECD guidlines and therefore should be counted."