scene watch :: with dj p-modern

DJ P-Modern Interview.

DJ name and why?
Dunno, just sort of sounded funny, and I like the pun.

When and where was your first gig?
Just at a mates 18th. I was pretty nervous, but everyone had fun I think.

Most played tune in your crate?
I slept with my aunty on Christmas day and she’s pregnant and she’s gonna keep the baby.

Favourite all time gig?
I’m serious, my uncle’s gonna crack it.

Greatest influences?
Jesus, what have I done? It’s been building up inside me – I had to tell someone.

Ultimate gig?
I told her “no – it’s not right” – but she wouldn’t listen, she was wasted. Oh, Christ – it must be due soon.

Tips for aspiring DJs?
Yeah, don’t give your aunty pills on Christmas day.

The local street press play an important role in the music scene. Without them, the promoting of events and raising the profile of local acts would prove very difficult, they are really the heart and soul of the local music industry. The most crucial of these roles is that which offers a window to the world, surely the purpose of the media in general and the great aspiration of any journalist and editor. But what sort of window do we see? Through what glass are we enlightened? There is the advertising: very important, there is the editorials, the ever-informative articles on local and international acts, the oft hilarious tid bits and ‘funnies’. But what really strikes a chord with the reader, and a personal fave of mine, is the pics pages. Oh what a sight! The glamour! The sheer hedonism! The true realism! But how real is it? Is it a true representation of ‘the scene’? Is the demography consistent with the crowd at your favourite nightspot? Of Australia in general? P modern checked it out to reveal some startling results.

For my content analysis I looked at one weeks issue of Beat, and one of Inpress – Wednesday 23rd of August. I looked at all of the photos in the pics pages, not including attached advertising. Here’s what I found:

According to Inpress:
14% of people are male
86% are female
5% are non-Caucasian

According to Beat:
15% are male
75% are female
8% are non-Caucasian

Already a pattern starts to emerge. But there’s more.

46% are blonde women
39% are brunette women

20% are blonde women
40% are brunette women

I’ve been to a few clubs, including those pictured in these pages, and it’s not 4 women to 1 guy – and there’s more non-whites than implied on these results. This is starting to look like the White Australia Policy. Why do women feature so prominently in these pages? Could it be, heaven forbid, that they are pandering to the lowest common denominator? Are they selling these clubs with sex? Or could it be that these publications are actually tabloid? An interesting thought. So I looked at another fine publication of that week – New Weekly, or NW (August 28th). According to them:
64% are female
26% are male
10% are non-Caucasian
46% are blonde women
18% are brunette women.

Club Shock!

The club scene is reeling in shock after a punter requested ‘real hip hop’ from a local DJ. The punter in question, Mark Lowieque, was at a hip hop night in Melbourne’s CBD at the time when he asked that question, which is fast becoming a catch phrase in the music scene. Witnesses say Mark stumbled towards the console, leered at the DJ in a threatening fashion and yelled, “play some real hip hop - cunt”. Reports from senior linguists point to this becoming the new quintessential Aussie saying, eclipsing even “G’day” and “fair go”, with even Eddie Maquire and Kim Beazely already cashing in, in recent public statements. Mark, who can’t actually recall the event, owing to the fact that he had been drinking heavily since about 10am the previous Wednesday, can’t believe the attention he’s been receiving. “I can’t believe the attention I’m receiving!” says Mark through his publicist, “Even little kids are comin’ up to me in the street and yellin’ “cunt – play some real hip hop!” – I reckon it’s wicked!”

Like saying beetlejuice three times, Paul Oakenfold demonstrates why people should never ever write down what comes out of a progressive deejays mouth. Should I include a picture in case you wanted to know what a wankstain he really is? I’ll see if I can find one where he’s not looking at the camera but looking very serious at something in the distance or maybe wearing sunglasses inside. Or maybe wearing sunglasses inside and looking out of frame simultaneously.

Lets see what i can find.

Take 1


Take 2

I think Paul is saying with this one that he’s tired of having his photograph taken, a "let the music speak for itself man" attitude starts to emerge. He's tired of being a spokesperson for Generation E, being put on the cover of DJ magazines and dating supermodels. "Oakey" does the logical thing and retaliates by putting a photo of himself looking angry about it on the cover of his latest "global underground" mix CD. Final word: Close but not quite there.

Contestant number 3


Let’s find a quote, one of his better moments…
"Rane mixers are really good quality. Id recommend them to anyone!" What’s that Oakey? Really good quality? Man you know your stuff. You’d recommend them to anyone you say? I heard Rayne mixers start at about $3000. A wise buy for any beginning Deejay, start saving kids!

Submitted by the GINGER-NINJA. (He gets a prize! You could too – send your stuff to

Just before I go, has any one else noticed the Aussie Icons dropping off? First Steve Irwyn, then Peter Brock – if I was John Farnahm I’d be worried. (I reckon it's an Al-Queda plot - Ed)

scene watch :: poetry corner

This months poetry corner is presented by Australian women’s table tennis champion and Commonwealth Games Silver medallist Miao Miao.

Hello dear DJ Pmodern. It was with pleasure that I read your pmodern poetry, especially the one by Tony Mokbel, it resonated deeply with me as I too have often wandered. I write to you not just to express my excitement at the prospect of a new forum for poets that is not afraid to publish work that in the past would have been more interesting to interpol, but also to contribute my own work, for yes, I too am a potty, and like Tony Mokbel have long suffered from being slapped with a label, boxed in, known only as that famous so and so with the all the assumptions that come with it from people who you have never met and who would barely be able to make you a cup of tea exactly the way you like it! In Mr Mokbels case it was the tag "international drug criminal" that prevented the public from seeing the sensitive artist, the "wandering" soul that pours forth from his pen, in my case hearing "Australia's Commonwealth Games Silver Medalist for Table-Tennis, the great, the only, Miao Miao" boomed out across a stadium of tens has long since ceased to excite me, it as if they are calling to someone else, someone other than that woman who spun, and served and smashed her way into history, earning herself the moniker "the poetess of pong" along the way. If only they knew! For it is only as poetess of the page that I feel truly alive. If I were not earning two hundred dollars a week playing table tennis I would give it away faster than you could say "eleven-love, game, set and match Miao Miao" for that is all it means to me now, money, money so I can make my art. Here then, is a small offering, and please convey the regards of a kindred spirit to Mr Mokbel.

Is all I am to you what you see?
Is all I am to you what you see?
No! I am also more than that! see?
No! You spin, I smash but is that all that?
No! like a very small green field and we
Face each other across a great divide
To you just a net, to me is it the Berlin wall?
No? It’s the Great Wall of China! Are you then a Mongol? Mongoloid?
No! Then let us tear this net away! Let us climb onto the very small green field and Using our bats as plates
Let us enjoy lunch
No! Because I have autographed your bat you refuse to have food on it!
Then eat from mine if you will
I bought it at Kmart for only fourteen dollars.

Miao Miao.

Submitted by xuelt7. He gets a prize! You could too – send your stuff to

scene watch :: quotes

After my set the only thing I could think of was “Wow that was awesome”
Melbourne DJ Veeva, Zebra 9/8/06

That night I saw the Galang video and got my mojo back and I wrote a song called Let my Hair Down, and for the beat I channelled my inner-50 cent – it was completely freestyle!
Nelly Furtado, Inpress 12/07/06

Throughout the ‘90s, Schmidt developed musical personae pseudonyms; Geez’n’Gosh for wonky click-house, The Roger Tubesound Ensemble for midi-fauxjazz, Midisport for Latin leaning clubtronic IDM and, memorably, Senor Coconut.
Peter Chambers. Inpress 12/07/06

Stephen Allkins certainly needs no introduction…
(predictably, the article goes on to introduce him)
Inpress 12/07/06

Johns DJ mantra is juxtaposition…
Beat 12/07/06
(Okay, if anyone sees any street press journalist use “juxtaposition” in an idiotic sense such as this, please send it in –, published entries will be sent a free dj p-modern mix cd!)

Imagine you’ve died (and gone to heaven obviously). What’s your dream venue and line-up for the perfect party?
Emma brown isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions of DJ Ritchie Jay. Zebra 2/07/06

Anytime you perform for a gay audience they just go off, I don’t know whether it’s drugs or just because they’re really happy all the time.
Bardot’s Tiffani Wood hits the right note. Zebra 2/07/06

What do you like most about DJing?
Breaking the boundaries and trying stuff no-one would think of.
Local DJ Bun Dmc, Beat 13/9/06

What do you like most about DJing?
The euphoric feeling of taking a crowd on a journey! Local DJ Braveheart, Beat 13/9/06 (A euphporic journey? Where do these djs get off? Memo to Braveheart: we may take your dignity, but we can’t take your bullshit.)

Princess Superstar has carved out a tidy niche… as a sort of Generation X Deborah Harry. Carlisle Rogers, Beat 13/9/06

5th Avenue brings to Melbourne a new era in events and entertainment. Created to reivent style and chic. The only club claiming to reivent style and chic. Flyer in Beat 13/9/06

All these great quotes from one shit mag! It’s easy to be published – send entries to

scene watch :: love corner

Looking for love? Well DJ P-Moderns new “Love Corner” is an introduction service that r-n-d have reluctantly agreed to host. Whether it’s a long lasting, serious relationship you’re looking for, or just true love – you’ll find it in the Love Corner.

Stunning 21 y/o model, brunette, as-seen on cover of Italian Vogue, seeks good times, no strings attached, with dodgy drug dealer living with his parents. Enjoys being rodgered silly whilst snorting below-B-grade amphetamines, also enjoys being generally objectified by all your dodgy friends. Lengthy criminal record a plus! PCX 10839

Well educated Mossad agent seeks long term relationship with Hezbollah figure head, must be into kinky, handcuffs etc. PCX 10859

Lonely! Techno DJ seeks any type of relationship with anyone, living or dead. No fuss. PCX RAVE197

Swinger? Fat opposition leader seeks swinging voter for respect and sense of purpose and worth. Short term memory pref. PCX PHAT10829

Thugs get lonely too. Black African guy, in Tokyo, seeks nice Japanese girl who also likes the thug life. Must be a fan of gangster rap.
(this last one was spotted in Metropolis, an English speaking street mag in Tokyo. Email the Thug and send me the results!

Looking for love? Email the doctor.